biancasimone.com

TODAY IS MUH BIRTHDAY

Happy birthday to me,
I rule cause it snowed.
I know that I'm safe here,
and my car won't get towed!

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 1:12 PM 0 comments

16 new years resolutions

(For those of you who are friends with me on facebook, YES I did this as a note too. This is slightly more in depth.)

YES I have 16 new years resolutions. YES I plan on completing them all. :)

1. Don't visit my parents until June, unless Kyle visits. They stress me out entirely too much!
2. Make straight As! I know I can study at least an hour per day, per class.
3. Get a good job. At least it will be one less thing for my mom to stress me out about. It kind of seems like I could enter into the IT field (scary, I know), even though my degree is in engineering.
4. Come up with a thesis topic. Whether I start on it or not this year is outside of my scope. I don't know anything about Engineering Managment yet, but I hope I figure out enough to write a thesis on it by the time next year is over.
5. Get that money right!!! Paying off student loans, credit cards, etc.
6. Visit the Mary Kay museum in Dallas! Lots of people have said it's a great experience.
7. Visit my friends around the US, and travel with some friends from here. Visiting all the Texas peoples--there's lots!; going to Chi-town with Zeke... I'm sure there's more. I'm just tired of being so bored all the time.
8. Lose weight. YES, it's the same one I make every year, but I'm going to keep making it until I get it right!
9. Earn a Mary Kay car. I know that I can do this one. Also, I would like to have a spiffy car to drive around when I take these road trips!
10. Get on-track for being a Mary Kay director! This one goes with the previous resolution, but I want to have them both written down as a visual reminder.
11. Be a good role model for my little sister in Big Brothers Big Sisters! She's a really sweet girl, and I want to show her the world a little (oddball) bit at a time.
12. Rent or buy a house. OMFG I need to stay away from apartments! They're just frustrating and I never feel like I have enough space. Also, as much as I like living alone, it would be fun to have some peoples to share my space with. I love my cat, but when the dishes don't get washed, I can't exactly blame it on her. ^^
13. Use my planner regularly. Regularly meaning twice a day. I think it will be tricky at first, but once I get used to always using it, I will begin to properly utilize it!
14. Learn to play my guitar. Yes, I want to be just like Gail, but I think I might go toward the "self-taught" track first.
15. Cook a new recipe at least once a month. I love cooking, and it's cheaper than always going out to eat! Also, if anyone wants to sample my crazy cooking, or be a co-chef, tell me such! (Yes, even my Texas homies... when I come to visit you I GUESS I could cook for you once or twice... lol)
16. Don't forget about myself! I think this one is the most important. No matter what people resolve to do or not do, they forget to have benchmarks for their goals and rewards for their successes. I know what my resolutions are, and I already have the first few benchmarks and rewards set for them. Instead of trying to keep daily or weekly progress on all of these, I think I'm going to stick with monthly progress reports for myself. Also, failing isn't a bad thing, it just means I have to keep working at it!

Labels: new years resolution

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 9:55 AM 0 comments

If everybody wants a piece of me...

...and then they take it, what am I left with?

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 4:25 AM 1 comments

I want to get better.

I really do.

Physically will be easy. Mentally will take a bit more time.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 2:14 PM

the joys of depression

• My hair is falling out
• I constantly look like I have 2 black eyes without makeup
• My eyes are yellowing
• I sleep a lot and don't eat OR I eat a lot and don't sleep
• I feel like destroying everything (I'm talking fire, sledgehammers, and axes "destroy everything") OR I feel like crying all the time

I really think my only real option is medication. Today, Mom asked me why I was always down on myself, and I couldn't really give her an answer. It's true, I can't give an answer as to the continual cause of my ongoing depression. I know that it began after grandma passed away, but 99 times out of 100 I can talk or think about her dying without any kind of crying or anything. I don't understand myself anymore. The days that I am happy are few and far between. The happiness is not put-on at all; when I am happy I feel genuinely happy. I just don't know.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 10:53 PM 1 comments

I'm still alive!

For those of you who haven't heard, I had to go to the doctor last week to get a colonoscopy and endoscopy. I thought I still had some remnants of gastroenteritis, so I figured it would be a good idea to get checked out. The good news is I don't have any polyps or any physical abnormalities! The bad news is I still have gastroenteritis. I have antibiotics though! Though, the antibiotics do interesting things to my body when taken with food, and even more interesting things when not taken with food.

Also, I've been having some very vivid, very emotional dreams lately. At the beginning of the week, I had one that a close friend of mine was irrationally yelling at me. A few days ago, I had another in which a group of teenage kids were trying to break into my car, and then rob me. Last night was the most terrifying and realistic. I dreamed that a black girl who went to visit her online friend/boyfriend who was white was dragged to death and then her body was left on the side of the road. It was paralyzingly scary, because as people connect more and more with the internet, things like this seem to be reported more--which means they are happening about 10 times as much. The weirdest thing is that I remember a lot of details from each of the dreams. I'd rather not revisit them, though. A random interlude, part of my dream last night, before all of the bad stuff, I went to get my new drivers license and the picture looked a lot like my picture from my permit but I was wearing a red shirt (I think in my permit picture, I was wearing a white t-shirt or a blue one).

I have been having problems with my emotions too (to the tune of being mildly irrational and very up-and-down). Some of it is the after effects of having a crappy week (especially FRIDAY, the day that everything went to shit), and some of it is probably because of these lifelike dreams I've been having. I had the dream about being robbed on Thursday night, and on Friday I looked through my wallet and couldn't find three or four things. I was seriously freaked out, but after (attempting to) calmly flip through my wallet in its entirety, I found everything in their proper places.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 11:10 PM 0 comments

I feel weird

I couldn't feel any more constricted if my body were wrapped in a thick chain from neck to ankle.

I have no idea why I feel like this, or how to make it stop.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 12:23 AM 0 comments

I'm scaring myself (really long post, y'all)

I keep trying not to worry about stuff that doesn't matter (getting an engineering job RIGHT FREAKING NOW, what I'm going to do about school next semester, my car, etc) and try to focus on things that are important (classes right now, my physical and mental health).

Also, I tried to rescue a stray kitten from James' neighborhood... but that didn't work out. I think someone else may have rescued it first. That's okay, I guess. I'll still get a cat. Maybe call Dizzlert and see if the lady that gave her the kitten she has still has one left. Getting a black cat would be cool. :)

I kind of wish I had an entertainment stand. Even though my faithful readers are all like WTF THAT ISN'T IMPORTANT, it is! My current entertainment stand used to be the coffee table that I did homework on before I got my TV back. I can't use my computer desk because there's only room for the monitor on there (it's really small), and my for real table that I got from my parents doesn't have any chairs that fit it... my options are lawn chair, hot 70s chair, or standing. The chairs are too short, and standing would blow.

In other news... OMFG WHY AM I NOT TORRENTING ANIME ON MY DESKTOP SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WHILE HOMEWORKING? (I don't have cable, people... don't harass me unless you plan on paying for my cable TV subscription, okay?) Sorry, that wasn't really an "other news" thing, that was carry over from the last paragraph. Seriously, I can stream movies (or TV shows, which are in the same format) from the desktop to the Xbox and at least have something to watch while I'm sitting in the living room... rolling around on my floor which needs to be vacuumed like every 45 seconds because the carpet is new and hasn't had enough traffic to get rid of the little carpet pubes which torment all my friends who wear black or dark colors and sit on the floor.

Anyway, I think my serious "in other news" was going to be saying something to the effect of picking up crocheting again. I've got 2 pairs of slippers, a hat, and a blanket on the slate ATM. I totally have the yarn for it is the sad thing. However, I think I have to go to the store to pick up some more crocheting needles; they're probably buried in hidden projects which will never be completed or lost to the tornado that is my baby brother overtaking my old bedroom at my parents house.

Also, time to hit up VCF for some nice chairs that I can put around this table. Right now the table's being used as a cabinent for my random food (who knew that one person could have so many fruit cups?) but I'd like to do homework on it. Damnit, I need a job. SEE this is how I get myself all freaking worked up. Jane offered me this sweet real-wood chair that is in her garage, but I think it has handles... which means my larger-than-life ass will get stuck in it constantly.

I'm starting to become a little unscrewed. I know my poor, loving boyfriend has noticed it; more often than when I make jokes about it. I don't know how he puts up with my insanity, but I love him for it. (Everyone else who puts up with it has passed the 10-year mark, so they freaking know.) He asks me what's wrong, and 9 times out of 10, I shrug it off. I know I have a problem with my anxiety and my depression... I'm trying to keep myself on the right track, but at the same time, I'm ignoring some of the signs that sent me down this weird path in the first place. As if I dealt with it by myself the first time around... I certainly can't fight the same thing twice, alone no less. I keep saying "I'll go talk to someone tomorrow"... just like I keep saying I'm going to do my laundry tomorrow. Well, I've run out of options and clean clothes, so looks like it's going to be a busy day.

Also, I've started riding the bus. It takes an hour to get to school instead of 15-20 minutes, but I save on gas and the bus is free for students. I'm considering taking the bus at the same time every day (meaning get there and leave at the same times, even though my MWF class is in the AM and my TR class is in the PM). I don't walk quite as much (driving to school, I park about a half mile from campus and hoof it), but I can still walk more. Also, if I have a bunch of free time, I'm going to start making myself study and go to the gym. I can't try to hide from it anymore... eating better is great and all, but it's not everything. It's like quitting smoking but still hanging out with friends who wave cigarettes in front of your face and offer you a smoke even though you've quit. It's gotta be all at once or not at all! (Also, congrats to my mom on quitting smoking! I'm proud of her.)

Living alone is weird. I think it contributes to my mental unrest sometimes. Walking around in a state of dress that is improper for company is tons of fun, but I did that when I lived with Brett and Sparks (all 3 of us did, cause we're weirdo nerds). I know that listening to my blaring music in the evening and hearing my neighbors walk near the door makes me freak out. I think every little noise is a robber or a ninja or something.

OH I almost forgot to tell you about the best part of my life as of late. Remember when I went to Panama and was in the hospital for 3 days? (If you don't click the May 2008 link and go to the 19th-21st... that sounds about right, but you can probably figure it out by titles. I'm not going to permalink it at well-past-5 in the morning, bite me.) Well, when I came back to the US, I went to see my doctor (about the 2nd week in June). He looked at me and was like "Well, do you have the same symptoms as when you were in the hospital or related ones (meaning vomiting or nausea, etc)?" I said no and he was like, "Okay, cool! Bye!" I was fine with it... fast forward to a few weeks ago. Remember when I said fast food was making me nauseous? Well, it's not just fast food anymore. It's almost everything. Usually I'm okay at lunch time (Peanut butter and jalapeno chip sandwiches... still safe THANK YOU JESUS), but dinner is terrible... I usually feel like I have to get up in the middle of dinner and hover over the toilet. I can sip on water or stand up and walk around (if I'm at home or someone else's house) and it usually passes in a few minutes or so. I might not have shaken the gastroenteritis, I might have just shifted it from my colon to my belly. Back to the doctor, WHOOOO! I swear, if they try to take any more blood, I'm going to make those mofos PAY ME. IN CASH OR GOLD BRICKS. (I'd rather have the gold bricks, considering the economy.)

Okay, bedtime, I guess. 4-ish hours of sleep is alright for today.

Thanks for listening or reading or osmosis, or however it is you receive information from my site. I heart you.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 5:45 AM 0 comments

Can't take the pressure...

So, today I had a breakdown. I've just been thinking about SO MUCH STUFF that is frustrating me like whoa. I was talking to Michael K. online; I'm so glad he let me vent to him.

I dunno, part of my problem is worrying about things that will work themselves out naturally. Some of my problem is worrying about things that I can't change myself (the people or the situation have to change). Most of my problem is worrying about what other people are doing, instead of focusing on my own goals.

I'm trying my hardest to work on it. I just hope I won't have any more major (personal, emotional) setbacks anymore.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 11:55 PM

New apartment!

I have one. I think I am going to spend the next week unpacking. I should be totally unpack and set up by next weekend. The internet guy is coming on Tuesday to set up my internet. And I'm going to the store tomorrow to get a wireless router.

I want a house, now. :) But, that will come in due time. Maybe after I'm married. Definitely after I have a nice engineering job. Most likely before I have children. Probably not before I get a dog.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 11:37 PM 0 comments

Chicken and pickles!

Probably the strangest thing I've done all week is hanging out with my boyfriend AND his ex-girlfriend AT THE SAME TIME! .oO BIZARRO WORLD Oo.

I guess I'm not really weirded out by hanging out with her (but I don't really know if I have a "reason" to hang out with her on my own besides being a 'friend of a friend')... it's more like an "oh man, my boyfriend used to date this girl. They're friends. He used to find her attractive. Or, maybe he still finds her attractive... This is kind of awkwarrrrrrrrrrrd..." type thing.

Random side note: Olympic running is cool. Olympic swimming is better. Olympic diving FRIGGIN RULES!

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 2:01 AM 0 comments

YES!

I don't have high blood pressure anymore! *dances*

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 5:02 PM 0 comments

Ellen and Elliott's wedding!

Oh, weddings. They're so cute and nice and make me all full of love and warmth. :)

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 11:29 PM 0 comments

I like drinking (and drinking songs)

Here's to you, and here's to me;
best of friends we'll forever be;
but, if by chance we disagree,
fuck you, and here's to me!

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 11:08 PM 0 comments

iPod asplode

So, for some reason, my iTunes couldn't find the correct library. So, I cleared the whole thing and am in the process of re-adding everything.

I hope it doesn't take forever to redo the whole library. ... Someone please remind me to back up my iTunes when I get this library back in working order!

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 2:28 AM 0 comments