tell yourself the truth
I think everyone needs to tell themselves the truth every once in a while. My truth was that unless I lose some weight, and soon, I'm going to have diabetes, or hypertension, or BOTH. Neither of which I want to have right now (or ever). Considering that heart disease is the number one killer of women, I'd like to beat my odds.For once, I want to be the cute girl in that bikini. I want to be the girl in the mall who takes the shirt that you were eyeing from across the room, and you're jealous because you know she'll look absolutely awesome in it. I want to be the girl in the club with the moves and the style that always steals the attention (and not just for my booty-shaking). I want to be the girlfriend whose boyfriend's friend are always talking about (that one requires looking good and also having a boyfriend).
I don't really think I have a weight loss goal in mind as much as a fitness goal. When people ask about it, I drop different numbers; but for the first time today I told someone how much I really wanna lose. The person was shocked when I said it, because they asked again like they'd lost their mind or hearing, but I repeated it. I also added in that I didn't want to try to lose THAT MUCH in a short time period. Mostly because I'd have to become anorexic or something.
I know that I have low-self esteem, but I really don't know why; people are always telling me good things about me. Like Mom always tells me that I'm such a cute and smart kid. Like Dad always tells me that I have an intense mental capacity, and that I need not abuse my talent for learning. Like my friends always tell me that I'm fun to be around, and fun to talk to, and comical, and goofy, and that my booty-shaking is hypnotizing. [Seriously, I'm not making up the booty-shaking thing.]
Really, though, it doesn't matter how much you try to build a person up (or, for that matter, tear a person down), it only has an effect if they believe it themselves. I've fallen into the trap of thinking that if I'm not the best, then I'm the worst. I don't know where it came from, really, because as a kid I was always the smartest out of my friends and cousins, but no one ever said it. It was just kind of an understood thing. And I never rubbed it in or tried to be bossy or show-offish about it (I only declared myself the boss of my cousins because I was the oldest). It was just one of those things. I probably realized that I was actually a pretty smart kid about the time I started junior high (7th grade). But there was this girl in my gym class who was relentless about harassing me about my weight... which was coincidentally about the time that I started to be noticeably overweight. I can't even begin to count the days that I went home and cried, or just wanted to skip gym because I couldn't handle her every freaking day. And now I think that because she said it, I would think that other people were saying it too. Since then, except for about a 10-month stint in college, I would freak out about how chubby I was and how I looked and all that.
That 10-month period was the first time that I did things for myself: I made/bought my own food; I walked everywhere (partially because I was car-less, and partially because I quickly realized that walking everywhere was great for me); and I was a cute party girl (not party-till-ya-puke though). I lost weight on my own for the first time, and I felt good. Then, the event I've beaten into the ground so many times... my grandmother's death. It sucked, and I just let all of my hard work go.
So now, with no intention to ever be this way again, I firmly declare that I will try to change my lifestyle so that I can attain my ultimate goal. Whatever the hell that means. I just want to feel good. A bad back and bad knees can only do so much. That's another reason why I want to lose weight... my back is starting to give me problems again (since my boobs keep growing, UGH), and we all know the whole knee ordeal that I went through during the summer. The less I weigh, the less pressure on them, and that means I have more chances of feeling good on a daily basis.
Anyway, I think I'm done telling my life story for the eightieth time, and for having a dissertation on how I'm going to lose weight and whatever else. This time I wanna do it. This time, I'm GOING to do it. I can either lose weight or die. Personally, I'd like to stick around for a while.
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