Afraid of nothing... or nothingness
So, yesterday I totally had a chance of making out with one of my super-cute and fun guy friends (WHO ISN'T GAY!!!) and I didn't. Why? I dunno. Why am I like that? It's like, when I'm not dating anyone I want to have a boyfriend, but when I get close to having a boyfriend, or start to go down that boyfriendly path (the long conversations, and the goofy phone calls until 2 AM, and drawing your initals all over everything, and writing Mrs. whoever all over everything else, and being giddy when his name is even mentioned... do I need to go on), I flip out and I'm like "no." I didn't used to be like this! I was up for a good little make out session all the time. And now, it's like I'm afraid of boys. But I bet I can track it down to one incident that happened about 2 years ago with a boy that I liked that I thought liked me... we went out and he ended up being all over one of our other female friends, and totally ditched me to hang out with her. They're dating now, so yay for them, but I still don't like him very much because he could have at least had the decency to hang out with me for five seconds, and TAKE ME HOME.Also, I blame stupid ex-boyfriends. They're not the total cause of it, I'm sure, but having stupid ones isn't great. Like the one that broke up with me because one of our mutual friends (at the time; I don't think either of us likes this person anymore) spread some rumors about us, and another guy that said he read about "everything" we did on my blog (not this one, the previous one)... which wasn't true anyway because the extent of what I said about us hanging out on my blog was, "I went to the movies today with my boyfriend... it was fun!" Or the one who made out with my friend like 20 seconds after we broke up. Or the one who practically devoted his life to me and then dropped off the face of the planet... he can be forgiven.
I guess you're supposed to have some healing time or whatever after you get out of a weird relationship like that, but being out of the game too long just makes life suck. But I know that I'm good into getting into relationships just before I have to go somewhere far away, or just before the other person has to go somewhere far away... :/ Long distance relationships are hard, though. I don't know if I can do that again. Being that I'm going to graduate soon (and I could be pressed to do it sooner if I had a boyfriend who I wanted to move in with), I guess I >could< handle a short-term LDR that morphed into a long-term non-LDR.
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