biancasimone.com

Weary traveler
That's what I feel like. I'm listening to Shakira right now because her (Spanish) songs always connect with me. Why do I feel weary? Leadership Advantage is taking a lot out of me. I feel like I'm a participant (one of the incoming freshmen) instead of a facilitator, because this is my first time and my co-facilitators (Todd and Jonathan--not my acting partner) worked with each other last year so they know everything and step up and I don't. Also, LA is compacted into 4 days (and they were sorta unorganized IMHO. At GSP, I got to know a LOT of people within the first few days... LA, on the other hand, is only a few days. Although there are significantly less people, I still feel like it's a diluted version of me. I don't feel like I'm clicking with anyone, not even the people that I've felt close to before LA started. I've told a lot of people that Thursday, right before my final and before LA participants began to show up, that I was feeling great after my acting class: I was upbeat and crazy and happy and felt like I was having fun. I crossed Eastern (Parkway--to get to the "let's go guys!" LA meeting) and something went off in my head. I just don't feel like I'm up to par and it's having an adverse effect on my peers.

So I am going to get up at 8 tomorrow, and go home sometime around 3 (maybe?). After chatting with Bridget and such for a little while, I'm supposed to go out with a certain boy (who keeps wanting to do stuff and then it doesn't happen at the last minute and he tries to reschedule at another time that's bad for me). ... I feel this week will be trying to compact lots of stuff into not a lot of time, and I hope it doesn't end up that way. I hope I can have at least ONE day to just sleep, then hang out in my PJs, then do laundry (and random housework) before Mom gets back from work. Maybe being at home for a few days will help me clear up my head and push all my worries aside. In fact, I'm sure of it. I wish I could go to church because seeing all of my crazy church family always makes me feel better.

I dunno, I feel like I'm sitting on something here, and that I'm always half a step behind. I'm welcoming change, but at the same time I'm afraid of it because I still want to feel like I'm being me whether I'm tutoring or taking notes or studying or sleeping. It's scary because I feel like I've got all these (people) crutches but I have to go do this on my own. If there's anyone out there that's remotely like me and has gone through what I feel like I'm about to do then they are far, far away and by the time I ask for their assistance (or even find them) I will already be moving on to something else. I just don't want to lose anyone. I don't want to be alone.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 2:27 AM