I dunno where to begin. So I'll just pick something. I hate it when my friends are at odds; it makes me feel very off-balance. Bridget and Ed were upset with each other last weekend (I think they're on good terms again... but who knows [not me, no one calls and tells me what the scoop is]). They have their little spats but I think for the most part they are in good with each other. Bryce and Darrell, on the other hand... sheesh. These two always seem to be upset with each other, and with Darrell's short temper and 'fine, i'll let you win if you leave me the hell alone!' attitude teamed up with Bryce's inablility to listen or be sympathetic, and constant need to yell or whine or act otherwise immature to get his point across always end up with the same thing: everyone thinks things are on their way to being away from the negative level and approach neutrality, but someone goes off. It makes me really sad that they can't just freaking get over it and get along. They are both so stupid and blind because both of them rock my life. I remember way back in the day when the three of us would just misbehave and joke around and I loved it all. I liked having Brycetime and I liked having Darrelltime, but I got real joy out of drawing upon the comical duality of their yin/yang personalities. And then Christmas happened and Bryce wanted to shut himself off from the college world and just hang out at home. That didn't really click with Darrell and I, and Bryce freaked out on both of us. I think that's what put a damper on their friendship. Then they got on each others' nerves little by little and, well, a snowball turned into an avalanche. I've tried to tell them both everything that I could possibly think of that could help them, but when I get the attention of one the other refuses to listen so they both fume... and then I get both of their attentions and one misinterprets... and then they both fume at each other. I dunno what to do anymore. I'm so tired of crying over people who are blind to the help of others and crying never really helped anyone anyway.
Shifting a little bit... Darrell and I hung out a little today; he went shopping for shower curtains and other bathroom stuff for his (and soon-to-be Bryce's) room in Phase II. It was great fun, even including the long silences. Darrell and I always get started on the weirdest tangents, I swear. That's why I like talking to him, he makes me think in different and interesting ways. Darrell's such a wackyfun guy. He and his girl Sowmya, quite possibly the craziest and coolest Indian girl I've ever met, make a dynamic pair.
I wish I could make a dynamic pair with someone, but the way things are going now that is never going to happen. I always feel empty when I think of people dating (like DJ and Allison) and me not dating anyone. I had my shot with Tim last year, but he was way too self-concious and still heartbroken and emotionally bruised over Jessica. She was a BAD choice for first girlfriend, I would have rocked as a first girlfriend. But oh wait, I still rocked as a second girlfriend; fixing the broken pieces was hard, and he's still got quite a few broken pieces waiting to be repaired. And in between trying to be myself and focusing on lifting Tim up, Wes decided to tell me that he was interested in me. (Well let me tell you, it took a long time for him to finally get it--2+ years!) By the time he told me he would like to date me, I was already in a relationship that I wasn't about to give up at that point. The story between Wes and I is pretty much a saga, and now I know that there's zero chance I'll ever date him (two reasons: Amanda, this stellar girl from VA who he visits every couple months; and him going to UK as opposed to me being at U of L). And speaking of zero chance, cue music for every gay guy I've ever liked... I pick the two strongest ones for today. Ed is truly something else. I think I've loved him pretty much from mid-freshman [high school] year on... He's so full of passion and pain; of life and love; of heart and soul and peace of mind, but he can't find a way to channel it into something wonderful. And then Bryce... ugh, don't even get me started on that one. I was so intent on seeing him after GSP. I was mad at my parents when Allison had a cookout and Bryce went and I couldn't go (their logic was that I'd gotten my ears pierced the same day and that was enough fun and excitement; plus they didn't trust DJ driving me home then). Then I found out he was going here and I almost fell out of my chair. This completely stupendous boy was going to the same school as me... going to be in the same SCHOOL as me even! ...By the time DJ told me that Bryce was gay I figured it was over with me and boys. I talked to Tony Perkins during the middle of first semester and finally got the nerve, after a five-year crush, to tell him how I felt. He said he would have dated me in high school if I would have said something. I think I have bad luck with guys named Tony, because Tony Harper is yet another guy that I like that I have zero chance with. That story is long and extensive, but basically the same concept as every other guy I like: he thinks I'm cool but not in a date-wise manner. Alright, alright, I'm getting done with this list, but I'd like to throw Love (the gorgeous, tortured-by-self-conciousness model, who refuses to date me because of his self-conciousness), Greg Welsh (the jerk who had neither the heart nor spine to tell me directly and clearly that he really didn't like me after leading me on for a long time) and Chris Mitchell (the boy who made out with my friend from high school after knowing her for 30 minutes while I'd liked him for, oh, at least a semester or so) to the list of failed relationships... It's not really hard to see why I feel a gap inside me every day, is it? But, Matchbox Romance said it best... "I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time."
So where to now...? Well, everything is coming to a close, taking a short break, and then starting over again. I have class until the 7th of August, then LA from the 7th until the 10th, I go home the 10th or 11th, I come back the 16th for Sorority Rush Week, and then school starts the 25th. I'm ready for it to draw to a close so I can adjust my goals. Oh I almost forgot, Darrell and I talked about goals a little today... my three main goals for the fall semester are to get a little tanner (don't laugh... seriously you don't understand how much my parents--especially Mom--harrass me about being so light skinned), to lose 10-15 lbs (hey, I did it my first semester without even trying. I can do it :D), and to get all A's (but I will allow myself one B). What do you think? I need something to work toward seriously this upcoming semester. I'm tired of having goals and then going lax and attempting to coast. That obviously doesn't work, I've tried different levels of it for the past three semesters. Although I did step it up quite a bit second semester, and I'm proud of myself for it. I wish all my semesters could excel that level of dedication and excellence.
Coming back to Darrell (whose company seems to be the springboard for this entire post--Thanks Darrell ^_^), another thing we touched on today was people changing. "Well I've been 'fraid of changing cause I've built my life around you." (
And on that note, I think I will culminate this post. It isn't a Tony Harper-esqe, thought-provoking blog, I could only wish. Tony makes observations about life, while I make comments about my life. Anyway, I'm sure at least three people are upset with me. Oh well. I can hear all about it whenever that person decides to face me (and in some cases, it will never come).
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