biancasimone.com

All up in yo' grill

Today was one of those days where I woke up and wanted to just curl up in the corner with my knees drawn to my chest and cry while I slowly rocked back and forth.

I thought long and hard about doing this post. I thought it would be really dangerous, but then I realized it won't be (at least to OTHER people) because it's all about what's going on in my noggin, not how irate I am at someone [I'm sure somebody took a sigh of relief--my faithful readers already know I'm not afraid to rip someone a new one if they f* with me and don't try to make it up soon]. I know most of you think I'm all comical and chipper but... I'm not. At least, not right now.


Part I: Me, Myself, and I
Before I start off, I want to say that I really am proud of the progress that I've made with losing weight, even though I haven't made any huge strides.

When I first got here, I felt like I was a little bubble with arms and legs. I know that wasn't true, but if you ever went to my house, you'd know why I'm uncomfortable a lot of the time about my self: Mom and Kyle. Anyway, back to the story, after my first semester I lost a lot of weight. I was really proud of myself, and other people were proud of me too. I anticipated gaining some weight over the winter break, and I did. I was totally cool with that, I could walk it off like I'd been doing the past few months. And when I came back... I didn't walk it off. Not right away, anyway. During the winter, my body stores fat like you wouldn't believe. It's crazy. When it started to get nicer, I brought my bike from home and rode it around a little bit. I got comfortable with where my weight was after the summer. Fast forward 2 semesters... at the end of this past spring semester, I was kind of worried about my grandmother and her health. Just when it looked like everything would be okay, her body seemed to just crash. Then we played the waiting game... I knew she was going to die, and I prayed about 5 nights in a row that when she died, she would go peacefully. When she died, it was a huge blow to everything. It was the 2nd day of summer classes... and I just dropped everything. I emailed all my teachers and told them, and most of them wished me luck and hoped to see me again soon. Then I went home for a while... and all I did was eat and sleep. Boom, I gained all that freaking weight back [not just from being home, but also for doing the same thing in L'ville for about 2 weeks]. Anyway, I've been going to the gym and I weighed myself yesterday and realized that I probably slightly underestimated how much I gained. I know that since I started working out again I've gained muscle mass... and that, now, losing weight for me isn't a number game. It's a 'feel good' thing. It's a 'drop a couple clothing sizes' game. I do know that I am really muscular, and that's a lot of my weight. I also know that it would be to my benefit if I lost some of my butt and stomach fat (damn being a girl... damn it to hell).

Part II: Depression
I've realized that I've been having some major problems with my speech for about a month or so now. It's really started to bother me, but I didn't think there was anything to do about it except work my brain. Then I took some quiz about depression and found out that problems with speech are a symptom of depression (how weird... but if you think about it, it REALLY makes sense). If it were THE defining symptom, I'd say that I've been depressed for about 3 years (yes, that would be my junior year). And, it's probably right. Then there's my grandmother dying... it's bad enough when you don't want to cry at your grandmother's funeral to be strong for everyone. Yea, I did cry. I wasn't the loudest one there, but there were some major tears shed. Then I had to walk up to the casket. I've never walked so fast in my life. I just bowed my head and whispered, "I'll see you in heaven, gran." As soon as I turned around, I went right to my dad (who was actually on the other side of the pew). He and his younger sister were definitely the two people crying the most. You don't know heartbreak until you see your father cry. I hugged him for God-only-knows how long... maybe 5 minutes, maybe 10. When I went back to my seat, I hugged Brian about the same way. I don't think I cried the rest of that funeral. But, if there was anything that could break me, it was one of my favorite people dying on TOP of the fact that I wasn't in school. I know I chose to drop my classes, but I knew it was the best option because I'd have to miss SO much class. You guys might think I'm silly, but I love school. I just adore it. I don't love all the classes, but I really enjoy learning. I always have... and no matter how I've ever felt, I knew that I could look forward to school. Not necessarily the classes, but my friends. As much as I seem to keep everyone at arm's length, if I'm away from my friends for too long I start feel really down. I think that's one of the reasons why I hate this semester so much... I'm not taking any Speed classes, and the one class that I AM taking I don't really like too much. On top of the fact that I'm not doing as well as I should be doing in there. I should be able to get a B easily, and definitely be working off my butt for an A. But it seems whatever I do, I can't perform as well as I can.

Part III: I've never been afraid of the future... until now
For those of you that know me REALLY well (read: Bridget and Ed), you know that I've never really been afraid of the future. I hold this (some people see it as) cryptic/eerie belief that, as much as I want to have children, this world will end before I get to have any [although I might make it to getting married--but that vision is hazy too]. And I think a lot of people know that I want to adopt. I feel that everyone deserves a second chance. And plenty of hugs daily and lots of love. But back to the story... right now, I'm afraid for the future because of everything that's going on. I've had my scholarship chopped cleanly in half... meaning if I want to be able to keep going in school I'm going to have to either get another job or get more hours in the math lab (the 2nd one is more plausible right now since I'm without a car). I can't really ask for a whole bunch of money from my parents. I know they'll hook me up and all but... money is not a fun issue to bring up at home since Dad's had to pay grandma's "last bills" by practically himself (his sisters couldn't help very much). I'm just worried that I'll start saving and feeling comfortable again and then something will happen. LIKE: I won't get a co-op job (if that happened, I'd just quit school... I couldn't handle that) because some anal employer will think I'm unprofessional for having a tattoo on my wrist (I say: F you, uptight person). I can get around the tongue ring thing, I'm not afraid of taking it out. LIKE: I'll be without a car for another semester. Not having a car is really breaking my heart... I used to relieve stress by just driving my car and listening to music. Can't do that now, though, can I? LIKE: Lonliness. This, by itself, just makes me want to cry. I feel like the odd duck ALL the time. I think it goes back to not being able to let people get reallllly close to me. I really want to live for someone else (that's what kids and marriage will be all about for me). A lot of people don't know it, but I'm not here for me. I'm here to make sure everyone else is doing okay. The times I've been the most upset in my life have all dealt with someone else being really sad, and me feeling like I couldn't help. I really want to get a puppy or (sigh) boyfriend. I'd opt for the dog first, because dogs always make me feel happy when I'm in a not-so-great mood... with the boyfriend, he could potentially be the reason why I'm in a not-so-great mood, but then again he could make me smile when I'm down. It's all about opportunity costs. Besides, the three guys that I would seriously consider dating... I'm too afraid of the answer to ask them to be "muh bo'frien". And I don't think I could really handle rejection OR being in a relationship for the time being.


So now that I've poured my heart onto the page, consider yourself closer of a friend to me. This is the closest that most people will ever get to me, and closer than I want some people be. But, this is the cost of having a low-inhibitions blog. If it were any other way, I wouldn't love my blog as much. I'd love to go on and on but... I have work to go to, and a final to finish studying for AND take, and moving out/moving in to do.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 12:03 PM