biancasimone.com

New Year's Resolutions, or something along those lines

I feel like I need to be something totally new this year. If it has nothing to do with college, then I want nothing to do with it. If it predates college and didn't birth me or cry with me or save my life or hug and kiss me even when I was sick, I'll give it up. Back in the day, everything was easy. I loved going to school, and then I just waited for high school to be over and it waited to give up its most deviant genius. It was like a bittersweet parting, with hopes that said paths would never cross again. I rolled with the punches even though they just kept coming. Nothing affected me, I was perfect or at least close to it, and nothing could tear me down. Before I graduated, I broke. I don't really remember crying in high school more than a handful of times, and all those times were probably in front of the same few people. Now I cry at least once a week, and try to make a conscious effort to drink water frequently because dehydration headaches are unbearable. It's like having had SARS, and now having to burn everything--bed sheets, clothing, teddy bears--and disinfecting everywhere I went and everything I touched. It's like not being able to pinpoint how a computer got a virus or where exactly it is or which files to delete, and realizing that formatting is the only answer. I don't know what has caused me to arrive at such a dramatic conclusion. I keep saying that I'm going to start fresh, I'm going to give myself a clean slate, and the first thing I think is, "Yea, remember the last time you said that?" I've realized that hoping the Velveteen Rabbit will turn real to save itself from the fire is a dying fantasy. Maybe letting it burn isn't the answer either. All those things that I've clung to, everything that has kept me sane or driven me crazy simply has to be 'disinfected'. It's a long and slow process, yes. But change has to start somewhere. I pick here and now.

I want to change the way I feel about myself. I want to realize no matter what I look like or what I feel like, someone loves me. I also have to realize that I can confuse myself easily, so I have to assess what happens to and around me more carefully. This by no means will make me an indecisive person, or a person who makes decisions too slowly. I'll let the rest of the women in this world take care of that. I have to learn that I'm not stuck in my gender, my race, my social status, or any other group I'm 'conventionally' placed in. I'm just grouped with my gender. It's sort of like being a first grader stuck with third graders because we're all at the same reading level. I've always felt like an individual and I don't have to change that. I don't have to be a part of a group to feel special. I just have to respect everyone, including myself. I have to learn that being afraid is not a way of life. Being afraid of being outcast, being afraid of being rejected (mostly from jobs and relationships), being afraid of falling in love, being afraid of the future of my loved ones (and future loved ones), being afraid of the freaking dark of all things. It's okay to be afraid, but it's not okay to be a paranoid phobic.

This ends the self-psychoanalysis of the year. Signed, sealed, delivered safely and securely upon your eyes, ready for imprint upon your brain. Deep, eh? I just want to DO something about my assessment this time. I'm nearly 20 years old for crying out loud. I want to do something good for myself before I'm 21. I want to feel good about my life on a regular basis before I graduate, and then beyond. Taking it one day at a time doesn't quite work for me anymore. Maybe one week at a time. One year at a time definitely isn't the way, but setting goals for what I want to see a year in advance is definitely something good to work toward. Put simply, I want to be a better person. I want to feel better and look better and sound better and act better. Those goals aren't too vague for you, are they? They're vague for me, but if I notice something I want to change, I will. Is that better for ya, doc? Great then. See me in a year. I don't know about you, but I'll be cheering me on.

you're peeking inside the head of biancasimone @ 2:48 AM